she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
