....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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