birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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