yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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