hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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