Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
