we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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