i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
