pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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