I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You left your phone here
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