and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
