Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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