Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
