I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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