...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
