Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
