saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
