I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
