the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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