need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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