Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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