It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Text me some of your sweat
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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