You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
