Someone shit on the floor
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
