Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
