Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
