My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
