OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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