haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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