This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I did not marry a roomba.
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