It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
