I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My penis needs a shock collar
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
