i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
