my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
