someone threw a dead crab at me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This house was built for laser tag.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
