Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
