I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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