I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
