Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
