Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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