She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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