Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Couch. On fire.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
