I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
