It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
