I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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