The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
