i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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