hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
