I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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