You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
