I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
