you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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