Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
