My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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