I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
