giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
