Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He shit in the fireplace
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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