i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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