I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
