what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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