I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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