Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
