Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
